Tilt-a-Whirl

Yesterday I had a mini-meltdown, not exactly what I had planned for my day of “sabbath rest.”

The past 2 weeks have been full: attending Dan Allender’s Marriage Recovery Week with Chris, followed by a Spring Break road trip to Florida with friends, and a fun weekend enjoying our friends’ 3 kids along with our own 3. (Funny moment: while standing in line at Qdoba, our favorite Sunday lunch spot, a kind woman looked at Chris and I with 6 kids and said, “What a lovely family you have.” We both agreed we wouldn’t be as sane as we are, which isn’t saying much, if we had 6 kids!)

The next 2 weeks will also be full: preparing for leading at The Journey beginning April 29, Tim’s first prom which includes making and serving a nice dinner for his group of 8 friends, and celebrating Holy Week.

Yesterday felt like that point where all of it was converging at once, and the Tilt-a-Whirl inside me began it’s sickening spin.

I learned many new things about myself at Recovery Week, one of them naming this reality where I start to spin internally and how important it is to be attentive to my body, to care for it with kindness.

Much of what was going on inside was about all that had happened in the past few weeks – and of course, the things that were taking up the most space were the things that had regret and shame attached. And then there was the other half – all the anxiety for the many things I have to accomplish in the next few weeks – again, my focus leaned heavily towards the negative, thoughts of failure, incompetence. How do I bring kindness to regret and anxiety?

I began by letting go of my judgements against myself, at least for a moment, and just named what I was feeling. Then I asked for help, asking Chris to join me in being right where I was. Hopping on this Tilt-a-Whirl is something he has developed an understandable hesitation towards, but he was a courageous man yesterday.  There were no solutions offered, no dismissing what I was feeling as “no big deal”, just his strong and kind presence, joined together with me.

I wouldn’t choose another melt-down moment; but then again, it was a Divine opportunity to stop, wonder, feel, connect…and treasure.