Kindness and Anticipation

Chris and I arrived in Dallas last night. Our destination, The Cooper Wellness Institute. We are here with several other members of the executive team at the new company he works for, and their wives. Contained within those 3 short sentences are numerous opportunities for me to experience shame, contempt, and anxiety.

I am away from home, I am a homebody at heart. I am at a place focused on exercise and fitness, I have struggled my entire life with physical strength, endurance, coordination or lack thereof. I am here with people I don’t know, but that I will need to know for the sake of my husband’s career, I am an introvert at my core, being with strangers and carrying on small-talk conversations will always be uncomfortable and draining for me. (I could think of many other more descriptive adjectives, but I’m attempting to minimize my contempt.)

Most of all, I look around me and see perfection and am internally measuring how far I fall short.

So this morning as I was getting ready for the day, I was thinking about the running dialogue of comparison and contempt streaming through my mind, and it occurred to me that I could fight back in this battle. I could see this as an opportunity to do something good for me personally, rather than focusing on having to do something I didn’t choose.

Thankfully I am not alone in this battle. A wise friend reminded me of the need for kindness, I can hear her voice in my heart. My good husband reminded me of a picture that he received recently – the difference between anxiety and anticipation. Anxiety narrow our focus to where we can’t see anything clearly, anticipation opens us up to the whole, expansive picture. I have been anxious, something that comes naturally for me. AND I have learned in the last few years how to anticipate, I can choose that today.

This good man recognized that even that isn’t enough, however, and came alongside me to pray against all the places evil is lurking here to take out my heart before I even have a chance to try something different. I am walking into the day with 2 words running through my heart: kindness and anticipation. May they move from my heart to my mind and body.

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7 Responses to Kindness and Anticipation

  1. Janet, I can feel the emotion that these words carry and I want to remind you of the true race we are running…a race where our Wild Jesus has his arms open for embrace. I am praying that you will also feel his presence along side you today, whispering words of deep truth that settle into your very tender heart!

  2. Mary Jane Hamilton says:

    Hey, dear one, Rest in your loveliness. Dan Allender once said to me when I was filled with shame and anxiety: “When you leave thIs room…..keep your chin up, your shoulders back and look others in the eyes!”. You, doe eyes, do the same! I love you….

  3. seizedbyhope says:

    My favorite part in this is that Chris is standing close by your side. Hoping for good things for you my friend. I love your honesty and willingness to share so vulnerably with us.

  4. Pat Stark says:

    If thinking of how much you are loved by your family helps then dwell on that. We are enjoying each other here and also the pool. 000’s and XXX’s. Mom

  5. Your theme of kindness has been a desire of mine toward myself over the past months. I have known kindness from you through your caring eyes, your kind words and your offering of nourishment to me during Recovery Week. Now your openness speaks my story. We are kindred spirits in our struggles to be “on” in the midst of unfamiliar and uncomfortable places with people whose story we don’t know. Thank you Janet for taking a risk to be so open and honest. Your choices of kindness and anticipation for your journey today are points that I can place on my road map today as well. Those places don’t look as desolate and dangerous when I know others are taking the same journey with openness, anticipation and the fragrance of hope for change.

  6. Janna Anderson says:

    Valerie said what I was thinking, Janet. Just remind yourself that there is someone there who longs to have what you have to offer them. You are a beautiful vessel God will use to pour out His love on them,

  7. Pingback: Fall Risk | Pondered In Her Heart

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